By Joy Wanless – Marriage Care Relationship Counsellor, Trainer and Supervisor
Picture my dear friend standing on the playground watching her children go into school and then looking around desolately as she comes over and throws herself into my arms crying, ‘I can’t let him go, I can’t let my children be without their father,’ then, ‘how can I keep him?’ A dilemma many face after the affair becomes known.
Thoughts keep going round in her head, ‘All those nagging doubts I had, those questions I asked, when he kept on denying it. ‘No of course I’m not!’ I’d tell myself he wouldn’t, he isn’t, I’m just getting a bit carried away with my imagination. I shouldn’t be doubting him, but… I was right. Emotions tumble in: shock, numbness, anger, maybe desolation. So many self-doubts creep in, why would he want to stay with me? Why would I want to stay with him? What will others think? Amazing how everyone has an opinion, let him go, don’t let him go!
Then, bit by bit the reality creeps in. The partnership we’ve had for years, all that we have created with each other from a place of love, it’s all under threat. It’s so hard to think of letting him back in, trusting him. It’s hard to think he might not want to stay. In today’s world that’s where the story often might end: painful separation. Both possibly hurting, angry, guilty, feeling misunderstood. We are becoming increasingly aware that the long term hurt of not resolving this betrayal, of trying to carry on alone or start again with a new partner can cause even more pain. I imagine reading this you already have an opinion. Wonder which team you are on, let him go or don’t let him go? Maybe let him back but punish him, that has also been voiced.
What’s important here? When you can think straight it is the loving relationship you have built over the years, that has embraced your children as you have all grown together. But it’s so hard to think of this after what he’s done, and possibly too hard for him after everything that has happened. He has been judged and found sadly lacking. She finds it hard to be interested in what’s going on for him, he doesn’t deserve it. Maybe she is relentlessly questioning him, why? Why? Why? And possibly, he is questioning himself too and he just doesn’t know. Maybe he is experiencing some of the same emotions; shock, numbness, anger, desolation. Maybe he has many self-doubts including why would she want to stay with me now, and/or do I want to stay with her?
If there is a desire to try to repair the brokenness, in both of you, let’s consider that maybe, just maybe you can repair this blow to your relationship together and help each other heal. What is the way forward?
The answer lies in ‘maybe, just maybe we can do it together.’
*All of the above can equally be played out by different genders.
So how might we possibly begin to do it together?
The one who has betrayed their partner can really help rebuild trust with generous gestures, which possibly feel really tough. Then hopefully the injured partner can generously respond by helping rebuild the relationship together. Having a safe space to start to hear each other is so important. Sharing what is going on for you and listening to what’s going on for the other is the absolute beginning, preferably without prejudging, but that’s a big ask!
If you have caused your partner not to trust you, how can you regain that trust? With a lot of hard work and perseverance! Then hopefully your partner can in turn get closer to you and help you feel more secure with them.
Small steps can lead to big change.
- If a phone message has caused hurt it’s acceptable for the injured partner to want to see your phone and check on messages whenever until they feel reassured. Offer it willingly.
- If you are going out, have a time to check in/be home by. Stick to it.
- If you have cheated on finances, make bank statements available.
- Pay attention to each other, intentionally spend time together with date nights for fun, not chewing over the hurts.
- Arrange a time apart from date nights time to check in with each other on how you are feeling about everything that has happened and is still causing a rift between you both.
- Both start from a place of wanting to understand. This is a gift to your relationship and to each other.
- Any apology from either one needs to come from a real place of having heard what’s going on for your partner. Not only hearing it but feeling it in your own heart with the same intensity it’s affecting the other. Only then can you really say sorry in a way your partner can accept it.
St Frances has wise words on this when it feels impossible to create healing,
‘Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”
The skilled support of a professionally trained counsellor can make a huge difference, particularly with more complex relationship problems. Marriage Care provide low-cost relationship counselling for couples and individuals who are in need, and we do not turn anyone away if they are unable to pay. To find out more about Marriage Care’s relationship counselling service you can visit our webpage: Relationship counselling | Couples counselling | Marriage guidance (marriagecare.org.uk) With a counsellor you may be able to identify other factors that may have contributed to the situation, and some of these may be external factors. Health and mental health conditions are an example. In cases such as these a counsellor can guide you towards the support that is right for you at this time.